now is the nature thing. standing in an ancient pueblo facing the painted desert with the tallest mountain in arizona behind me, doing a mother ritual, breathing in the cold snowy air, knowing that i am of this earth, in this air, filled with this fire and water, centered in this kiva in this time in this place. i don't need to go anywhere or do anything to be included in this godliness. reading dorothy day who believed in THAT GOD in the Holy and Catholic Church and who did mountains of good works, being the voice of the poor and dispossessed and going to Mass every morning. i don't need that: i do what is presented to me ina way that speaks of greater love than i have. is that god? or GOD? i dunno. today i saw and felt the power of the Mother in that place, Wupatki. blessed be.

now is a poem from a friend:Say It by Joyce Sutphen 
Say that it is the continuous life you desire,
that one day might stretch into the next without a seam,
without seeming to move one minute away from the past
or that in passing through whatever comes
you keep coming to the faces you love,
never leaving them entirely behind.

Say that it is simply a wish to waste time forever,
lingering with the friends you've gathered together,
a gradual illumination traveling the spine,
eyes brimming with the moment that is now.

Say that it is the impulse of the soul to endure forever.
Say it again.

this is a day of remembering, of seeing your faces, of longing for your arms to hold me near, of making do, making do, making do with memories.thanks for the poem, Mary. 

now is an hour of viewing the body of work. lazarus. black star. life on mars. lets dance. blue jean.rebelrebel.and the next day. i love the sound of breaking glass. and now is the time to paint my face and go out into this world, reborn.

now is a time of remembering...i used space oddity to wake up my brother. i performed rebelrebel and lived it. i dyed my hair and painted my face and went dancing with my red shoes on. i wore out two low albums and still wish i could have been in berlin with him. now i am okay because he made it okay to strut and pose and write and speak with his music and his life. and the next day and the next and another day.

now is fourcorners. past through the snows on my way here, where it snowshowers each morning and then fades away as the sun shines. eastern new mexico is snowed under, i got out just in time. i am settling into my sister's life, her warm house, her ways. now i am looking for ways to be still. now i am stewing in my loneliness, reaching out in my dreams. 

12/24 now is the family ties,loosely draped around my shoulders, decorative rather than binding. We look at pictures, moments without us but somehow we are there,too. my grandniece looks like my sister, her grandmother; her sister looks like their father. granddad looks like his son, their grandfather.  the house is also a connector, filled with light and somehow warming my life.  I feel included, casually attached to these people, glad to be hugged by them.

now is abilene. just left a heart circle with five other men where we shared ourselves intimately, talked openly about spirituality, sexuality, awakening, and joy. we talked about the second agreement, about not assuming and i had a moment when i realized that i had  assumed that there were no men in abilene who had my values or who would be wiling to open their hearts to this tired old queer. i was wrong! now i am sure that this journey is one of awakening for me, to undo the past hurts and to expand out of my heart toward others, some of whom might not seem to be ready or easy targets. blessed be.