5/17/18 -4 the living-
now i sat and watched her go to death. she looked surprised and then relieved. i kissed her cheek and closed her eyes; i cried a bit and then i sang--i sang a hymn she loved to hear, and then i danced around the room because at last we both were free, she from her empty nest, me from my too-full planning.
i made the calls, the hearse arrived. they let me wash her face and hands, and took her off to fix her hair and prepare for one last matinee.
some time has past, five years and more. i've lost more kin and lovers, too. now that i know no fear no death, i move between the worlds at peace, and try to breathe in all i can, and then release it all again, in hopes of finding rest and peace by dying all the way at last.
my mom and dad are gone away, my husband and my brothers, too. i see them in the rising moon; i feel their love inside myself, and all is well and all is well, and all they were is here within my heart, my art, my way of life:  no need to wish for any more. 

now is day 39 in las cruces: watching Queer Eye makeover of a 57-year-old Georgia bear. Just the kind of guy i love to love, straight but flexible and so hungry to change, to blossom. and he does. Those five queens take him and polish him, bringing out his sweet playfulness, rebuilding his self-esteem, re-decorating his life without dishonoring him. "We grow up and want to find love.We are all the same in that way." And he does, not just with ex-wife #3 and with the faerie godmothers who work with him but with himself. He sees himself as they see him, lovable, worthy, sexy, brave--this is small town Georgia good old boy here, hugging gay guys, crying with them out of joy. 
i cried too, wishing all those straight men (and gay ones, too) could just ease up and be themselves, whatever that means. I see that in myself, transforming and becoming and relaxing into my  64-year-old self. 

aa saves the day

now sitting in a cafe talking with friends, wondering about the end of this year and the dilemma of life in america now. what can be done? all around is despair and anger and hatred, flames fanned by a media that insists on disaster and chaos. we decided that our nation is obviously in the throes of addiction and alcoholism, as evidenced by the results of greed, fear, and hubris, all things that recovering people recognize as a part of the disease of addiction. so perhaps what america needs is an intervention leading to addressing the spiritual malady that would wreak havoc on all who love her. there are some principles that might help: love and tolerance is our code; lean on the help of a higher power that you can live with; focus on helping others without desire for reward; acceptance is the key; honesty, openmindedness and willingness are the tools;and perhaps most importantly don't take yourselves so damned seriously. it has worked for millions to restore us to sanity...can it work for a whole nation of zombies? namaste,brooks

winterset

yesterday was fog and then rain and then wind and then sleet and then snow and then sun and then snow and then a snow-bow and then that western mesa sunset that paints all red and orange and purple, not pastel like in the east but vivid colour. now is winter on the high plains, in portales. i finished with oz one more time, wished it well and fled to my retreat, new mexico. ah tejas i gave you my best but... well you who dwell under the thumb of the wheelchaired menace know who you are. las cruces beckons...come see me there in the new year. gay solstice to you all,brooks

now is the hurricane, in central texas. mother nature has got us on the run for a change. i have been reminded of her power and beauty recently, being pounded by fist-sized hailstones on i 40 in new mexico, watching the thunderstorms and rainbows from a cabin overlooking mesa verde, standing on the overlook on the pass above flaming gorge, and then, the eclipse. whenever i see one of my "leaders: acting all in-charge i superimpose the hailstones bouncing off their pointy heads and say"now, really, who is in charge of this world?" not them. not me.

faith in the process

faith in the process--today i am living in fear. what do i do to protect mySELF? i plan, i travel to a planned place, safe from surprises(ho, sure). what would happen if i gave in to just traveling, wandering, really trusting my gut, just turning left up there and going for a while? and where is my validation<Oh Brooks I am sooo proud of your courage to just leave and travel and blah-blah-blah>? one usually unspoken reason for my doing this thing was to escape the daily life of my daily life in oz: i was tired of responsibilities(like property ownership/management), tired of relating to those AA people, lonely and hoping i might find my true love out there, somewhere. and guess what? if i can't find someone worth loving in me i won't find any Other. there is no Other today, just me and Blessed Babaji, who just points that-a-way and says "Jah. Go." as i try to cling to my vision of the Beloved it shifts back to the man in the mirrour. so i will go on; i will go with less planning, more faith in myself, my HP and the place where i sit, tonight, watching a massive thunderstorm over Mesa Verde. namaste, &*(ches

now it's a wonder, women, to me, a man, why we are giving space in our brain to another "hero/ine" who thrills us by killing, maiming, blowing up stuff and then saying that "love is the answer" WHA? i did not see any love in that movie, and the one piece of "lovin" was not shown....wouldn't want people to get the wrong idea. i am still waiting for the true feminine to come out somewhere, not just a female figure acting out male fantasies. nice costume, Diana, beautiful homeland, but must there be war? i know that men seem to really want that but seriously? self defense is one thing, but that was not that. i want to kiss and hug my enemies until they feel the love; or feed them and wish them well. war is not the answer, it's like ^&*(ing for virginity(remember the 60's?) namaste, brooks