now is a kind of redemption that is taught in most self-help programs....i got up...i went to work on my life(reorganized the van, made a laundry pile, sat in the sun for an hour) and reminded myself that this is about my choice, not a sentence handed down from someWHERE or someONE else. the power and the answers that i need are already inside me, i just need to get out of the way, stop fretting, and breathe right  now. thanks for the prayers and offers of help, they add light to my journey.

now is vulnerability. i have been ill for the last few days, lots of coughing and difficulty breathing. i was afraid, so i went to the doctor in flagstaff. who assured me that i was not getting pneumonia but only another virus thing. he gave me prescriptions one for inflammation(steroid) and non-narcotic cough medicine. the combination of the stuff i was taking and the stuff he gave me sorta unhinged me a little, i almost fell in the bathroom at the motel. out of control of my body, what a thought! but i was able to leave there and do a shorter drive the next day find some medicine(green chile stew) and continue to farmington. today i mostly just slept. and thought about mortality. now i don't think i am afraid to die, but illness and pain freak me out. i want someone to bring me soup and fuss a little and then just be close by...in case. this journey is indeed being a teacher for me. pema chodron says the best day of our life is when the rug gets yanked out from under us and we realize that there is no babysitter coming to rescue us. is  that true? 

now is return to the east,bakersfield today,flagstaff tomorow. the drive from portland was full mountains, nice wide road, mt shasta! and the beautiful town of roseburg, oregon. then miles of almond trees in bloom and crops growing, signs asking "it it wasting water to grow food?" and "dams or trains?" i am reminded of the texas panhandle.I keep getting the  5 of swords anxiety/release of anxiety. am i doing the right thing? just drifting enjoying the leisure and the scenery and not wondering(or always wondering)what is this life now?"ordinary men hate solitude, but the Master makes use of it, embracing his aloneness, realizing he is one with the whole universe"(tao ching 42) i am not a Master but i am using my solitude to examine myself, my place in this new world. 

now is the return to the city, post hotsprings. time there was timeless, no real clocks or schedules, just a gong to call us to the veggie meals. i was in my usual place of fear and frustration, then on day three i just gave up and let it flow over me(literally, the day was a rain event like only the northwest can produce.).then i left on monday and got stuck in the ice and snow on a mountain road which i took because i turned the wrong way. i had to dig my lovely van out with a handy douglasfir branch i found on the roadside. and what i learned is that i can, if i just sit for a minute and don't lose my mind because of fear or anger at myself. portlandia is all that i expected, including crowded, busy,full of waytoohip folks, and yet soemhow compelling. maybe they nees a dose of barbitchka here?

now is the oregon coast. huge waves, rocks,trees washing up on the  beach. a mid-sized town, not too many tourists in the off-season. clean air, quiet, and big ole bears in the grocery store. what more could i desire? the roads are still twisty but not as much, maybe i am learning how to navigate. calm. centered on this beautiful cloudy day:they say the sun will shine tomorrow. here with my dear compadre phoenix. faerie life is a good life. 

now is politics. "when they lose their sense of awe, people turn to religion. when they no longer trust themselves, they begin to depend upon authority."(Tao Ching 72)"when a country obtains great power, it becomes like the sea:all streams run downward into it. The more powerful it grows, the greater the need for humility. Humility means trusting the Tao, thus never needing to be defensive. A great nation is like a great man:when he makes a mistake, he realizes it.Having realized it, he admits it. Having admitted it, he corrects it. He considers those who point out his faults as his most benevolent teachers. He thinks of his enemy as the shadow that he himself casts. If a nation is centered in the Tao, if it nourishes its own people and doesn't meddle in the affairs of others,it will be a light to all nations in the world."(tao Ching 61). so mote it be.

now is the roar of the wind through the pines on the northern california coast. i survived the desert and the long road through the mountains(and received a certificate of survival from the camp ladies) terrified at the steep hills the sheer dropoffs the rain and the fog. i am afraid of mountain driving, especially on roads too narrow for my large car with no shoulders or railings. now i must rethink travel plans to stick to more"normal" pathways. or? the coast near mendicino is giant: giant cliffs, trees, rocks,waves. i am avoiding the fear i felt. i did not want to roll off the mountain and die today.