now is vulnerability. i have been ill for the last few days, lots of coughing and difficulty breathing. i was afraid, so i went to the doctor in flagstaff. who assured me that i was not getting pneumonia but only another virus thing. he gave me prescriptions one for inflammation(steroid) and non-narcotic cough medicine. the combination of the stuff i was taking and the stuff he gave me sorta unhinged me a little, i almost fell in the bathroom at the motel. out of control of my body, what a thought! but i was able to leave there and do a shorter drive the next day find some medicine(green chile stew) and continue to farmington. today i mostly just slept. and thought about mortality. now i don't think i am afraid to die, but illness and pain freak me out. i want someone to bring me soup and fuss a little and then just be close by...in case. this journey is indeed being a teacher for me. pema chodron says the best day of our life is when the rug gets yanked out from under us and we realize that there is no babysitter coming to rescue us. is  that true?