now is a kind of redemption that is taught in most self-help programs....i got up...i went to work on my life(reorganized the van, made a laundry pile, sat in the sun for an hour) and reminded myself that this is about my choice, not a sentence handed down from someWHERE or someONE else. the power and the answers that i need are already inside me, i just need to get out of the way, stop fretting, and breathe right  now. thanks for the prayers and offers of help, they add light to my journey.